hello! tis me again. here to talk to you about the pwhl :3

if you haven't heard of the pwhl, you should look it up! it's really really cool, and i think the best way to get immersed in it is just to go on youtube and tumblr and tiktok and wherever u get ur social info and just see what people are saying. theres so many memes and funny stories and quirks that u just have to pick up. its quite fun :) not what im gonna talk abt rn tho (sorta)

i want to talk about my thoughts on picking what team to support :D !

my background going in : i am from the midatlantic, notably, south of NYC but still in the Northeast. not that important just good for context since what team u support is often very geographically based. as for hockey background, i played field hockey for many many years as a kid, but only ever rec and not much once i was in hs. but, i do know the rules and everything, and ive followed the local nhl hockey team a little bit. just in the way where if ur usamerican the sprots games are often just kinda on so u know whats going on whether u want to or not. yeah :)

i think im just gonna go down the list of teams and give a pros/cons + my thoughts. yippee (order will be the order they are on the site idk why)

boston fleet

pros:

• aerin frankel
• alina müller (sorry idk how to do the u here :( )(i learned B) )
• megan keller
• zoe boyd
• generally geographically close
• jersey/logo/concept not the worst in the league
• they're pretty good, but also not like the frost where they are too good (ie, won the previous 2 times
• fun narrative, they have a good story

cons:

• who fucking likes boston, they suck
• i dont love the colors

minnesota frost

okay yeah there's literally no way its them but, gotta include everybody

pros:

• i mean like they are good
• kelly pannek
• taylor heise
• my friend likes them

cons:

• i dont live anywhere near minnesota
• britta curl
• jumping on now feels like im following the hype
• the frost is kinda a boring name

montreal victoire

pros:

• mpp
• laura stacey
• abby roque
• dara greig
• ann-renee desbiens
• married lesbians on the same line like cmon
• my fav jerseys/logo
• i like that all their stuff is in another language

cons:

• im from nowhere near there
• it feels like an older team? which isn't a bad thing, but idk, teams like boston and nyc and toronto feel younger in a way, all the players feel fresh outta college (cuz they are)
• they're really good, i feel kinda silly jumping on now

new york sirens

also def not these guys

pros

• taylor fillier
• logo is pretty cool
• their wee woo thing is p cool
• live near there

cons:

• its nyc i hateeeeee nyc
• live near there in the way they are The Rivals

ottawa charge

pros

• gwyneth philips < 3 my beloved
• emily clark
• brooke mcquigge (shes so cute baby(4 years older than me))
• i like the color tbh
• gwyneth philips again i rlly like her idk, shes so endearing to me
• pretty mid standings so i dont feel bad liking them

cons:

• idk. dont live near there ig

seattle torrent

pros:

• i do have some background here
• seattle is a pretty cool city
• name and concept pretty cool
• younger team

cons:

• none of the players really stand out to me, ik hilary knight is The Hockey Player (american) but idk. cool for here. same w cj
• logo is Boring

toronto scepters

pros:

• emma maltais, my 5'2 queen
• kali flanagan & allie munroe
• renata fastttt i love her
• part of what got me into hockey was one of those vids where they tape their sticks and i just rlly liked her vibe idk
• i like toronto (strangeaeons)
• cool logo and concept

cons:

• no real connection to toronto
• i mean i dont love to monarchy references w the concept, but idk how canadians/toronto locals feel abt it. i dont like england tho
• idk they just dont stand out. maybe a secondary team to like :)

vancouver goldeneyes

last but not least!! but also its not gonna be them

pros:

• sarah nurse
• sydney bard
• named after a cool bird!!
• i think this may be vic michaelis' team of choice? not sure

cons:

• not the biggest vancouver fan idk
• concept and logo is kinda boring, wish there were more references to the duck

thoughts

okay wonderful!! wrote it all out. unfortunately it is looking like either boston or montreal, which is basically where i was at before this. my main reason not to pick boston is cuz i dont like the city, and they r currently on top and i dont like feelings like im just jumping in w everyone else. but aerin frankel may be one of my favorite players rn, idk i just like her. same w müller. i think shes cool and did u know she has a masters degree? her bachelors is in behavorial neuroscience. she worked in a neuroscience lab for 3 years. did u know she speaks 4 languages? shes been to 4 olympics and won a medal at 2 (once when she was 15!!!!! and she scored a goal then too!!!!). did you know shes also really fucking pretty?

i fear i have talked about alina müller a bit too much to not commit to boston lol. i like herrrr im sorryyyyy.

well dang. i suppose im a boston fleet fan now.

i love to update this blog, lol

anyway, yeah. self improvement update. wahoo.

so my goals last time were:

• exercise/meditate/practice gratitude
• read books! and write maybe
• pick out values. and then think about them alllllllll the time
• get reallyyyy conscious of body language. perform it well.
• include everyone in conversation (i do generally already try to do this btw, just do it more ig. im not often in conversations anyway so)
• compliment compliment compliment
• should probably start reaching out to people more. to whom? no fucking clue. but i should.

okay the first one,,,, yeag i havent really been doing that. i guess i should focus more on that. i have been going on lots of walks which kinda counts fro exercise/meditate? i could do more tho. more intentionality.

uh yeah! i read a book. i read Hearing Red by Nicole Maser. It was pretty good! i read it in like one sitting lol. which always feels kinda annoying cuz then its like, i was reading a book for such little time. even though it was a whole book yk. but i did read it and i did like it. i am now reading anna karenina, which is like the exact opposite of that book lol. but its been good, i like it. so yeah ive done that. i havent really written much, i have been putting a lot of loose headcanons on my tumblr which is kinda writing but not really. i probably am not gonna be writing much idk.

lol yeag i haven't done the values thing. this was more of an overarching thing though.

i have been trying to do this! i have been conscious abt body language. i try to put 100 million percent of my body facing towards whoever im talking to. i tried this at dnd and i felt almost creepy so i tried to back off a little but i did focus on like, just looking at the dm not being on my laptop or anything. same with conversations in class. i could probably be better with this at some points, but ive been thinking about it

i mean i try to, im not really in many large person convos where im not the one being kinda excluded.

ive tried to compliment people! not perfect, but idk. i suppose i should do it more.

uhhh kinda. met a person on hinge ive been texting, platonically. also been talking to a friend who graduated. thats it really. i should talk to that friend more, and maybe that one tumblr mutual. who knows

okay, cool! reflection time

i think ive done okay. i should still be reaching out to people more. theres a person in one of my classes i could probably try to befriend outside of class. that is just so scary and hard. also tumblr people maybe.

i should do more of the gratitude/mindfulness. unfortunately that shit SUCKS. but i still should ig. i read a fanfiction where a character was mentally ill and kept a piece of paper in their pocket and just wrote every good thing that happened each day. like, dunkin made my drink actually decent. i got to work 5 minutes early. saw a nice bird. maybe ill do that.

2 things i also have been not doing great with is 1) eating healthy and 2) hygiene sorta.

okay so for 1, im a vegetarian and i eat in a school cafeteria. it sucks!!! i am constantly eating 0 protein in a day. i feel like shit all the time. its also winter and there just isnt really a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. i try my best, but i dont do amazing. also, i keep eating like. so many Desert Items. idk why but i keep eating dinner and then my brain goes "okay. now time for 3 brownies in my room" every night. and i know this is because i dont eat enough during the day but i dont really have a great way to change that, idk. i need to take less food to my dorm i think. which is a goal i have already cuz it smells bad. but yeah. i need ot be more intentional about it.

ughhh. i think realistically my brain is going "no one wants to talk to me. i dont know why. there must be something wrong with me i cant detect but everyone else can, and then can detect this prior to speaking to me/within seconds. i guess i smell bad" which i dont know if thats true or not. i shower daily, i wear deoderant every day, i apply it in the evening after i shower as well as in the morning. i brush me teeth every morning, admittedly i often skip it in the evenings. my clothes are clean, i wash them weekly. i usually will rewear my pants quite a few times, i mean like its good for your clothes you shouldnt be washing ur pants after every wear, especially if they are jeans or cargo pants. which is what i wear. for shirts, i wear and undershirt every day which i change each day and then the shirt i will rewear as well but not as many times as the pants. undergarments changed daily, naturally.

ig i could wash my pants and shirt more often but i mean, idk.

my shower routine is like, normal shampoo. nothing special. then i use a washcloth, which i have 7 so i use a clean one every day. i use that with bar soap, then i use my hands + bar soap to do some areas twice. then i have a body was w a scent (its just irish spring) which i use after. i then wash my face w just normal face wash. then i get out of the shower, i put in leave in conditioner and moisturizer (w spf) on my face. also some lotion on my arms and legs. i also have a little lavender body spray i put on every morning and night, it doesnt really have a scent though. which, i feel like thats a very normal routine? idk, i dont know what i would add really.

ig ill just say ill do more laundry, idk.

woah its me again. so soon! idk i like writing my thoughts down here, i dont think anyone will ever read them but here they are. if u do read this, let me know! literally just email me at kojakaj@proton.me, say hi. if thats too openended, copy and paste this: "hello! found ur email on ur neocities. hihihi" or smth.

anyway, onto regularly scheduled content (not scheduled at all)

i've been thinking a lot abt zombia apocalypses. all apocalypses really, but thats like the main one. ive always been really drawn to post apocalyptic stories. part of this is just idk i like them, part of this is forced upon me by the fact that around 95% of my dreams are in some sort of apocalypse or post apocalyptic setting. the 5% is a really recent development too.

im gonna talk abt the dream stuff first because it feels like i need to preface w that yk. its definitely a "personal bias".

so i dont really dream about the apocalypse. like really at all the apocalypse is never a central theme. its always just an otherwise normal dream, but i know (the type of knowing that you can only have in dreams) that outside this room/space/whatever is post apocalyptic. everyone is dead. or everyone is a zombie. or nuclear radiation stuff. or raiders or whatever. and sometimes that is like a "stressor" but just in like a, reason why we are Here or reason why we Have To Stay Inside.

i've been like this for as long as i can remember. like even when i was a young child. idk why, just how it goes. kinda a fun fact though. but it has definitely influenced my relationship to apocalypse narratives.

i think one of the main effects of this, or just something about me personally, i HATE the portion of an apocalypse story where you know it's going to happen. like pre-apocalypse. i hate it so much. it makes me so on edge and uncomfortable. the anticipation is unbearable for me. i could barely watch the first episode of tlou (the equivalent portion of the video game was a little bit better, for some reason). same with the beginning of the fallout show. i promise i consume other apocalypse media, ig tv shows are just more uncomfortable for me? idk. i never realized that.

the rest of the general narrative is fine. like i think i feel the expected amount of discomfort anticipation towards events. this also may be entirely normal, im only able to compare to the people i watched these things with and no one else had to like leave the room to take a break lol (i usually disguise this as a bathroom trip or to get water or smth). to be honest the rest of the stories often feel comforting in a way, you kinda know that the larger state of the world isnt gonna change drastically. you can't have a second zombie apocalypse. i mean ig u could, but it would not have nearly the same effect. the comfort of a post apocalyptic story reminds me of the calm when you are camping/backpacking/generally just living in the woods for whatever reason. like there's still stressors, you have to figure out where ur gonna get food or where ur gonna sleep, you need shelter and you need to manage your health and wellbeing. but all of those problems are right in front of you. there's no ever-looming stress of grades or getting a job or whatever else is going on. its all right in front of you.

that has always been my main draw to the outdoors. im still mentally ill out there, but not in the "uncontrollable panic attack" way. (i just kinda get super delusional from ocd if i get too isolated lol. which like is awful but i mean that happens outside the woods too so)

some of my favorite apocalypse media have been shitty movies honestly. i loved when netflix was just starting to make shows/movies because they were soso bad. they made quite a few shitty apocalypse movies. nowadays i cant really access them becuase a lot of them have been pulled, probably because they're shit, and no one really watched them so if i don't remember the title i wont be able to find info.

i also loveddddd tlou. idk it is so in my brain. i love it in a worldbuilding way though, so interacting with it via watching the show or watching a playthrough (markiplier for the first and jacksepticeye for the second, btw) is weirdly unpleasant. i like it in a static sort of snapshot way. so when i watch those, and see the story play out and then END, it feels like a type of grief. i don't know how to explain it. i always just dgaf abt joel lol.

i could ramble some more, but this is really looking like an ugly ass wall of text, so i won't. perhaps i will add pictures.

UGHHHH FUCK. Self improvement amiright.

Soooo I kinda sorta don't have friends right now. Sucks! It's definitely my fault of course,, i am so antisocial,,, but idk. i was friends w a bunch of seniors, they graduated, i left the country for a few months, now back at school all friends graduated everyone else either thinks i graduated or doesnt remember me. alas. End result: incredibly alone and isolated. doing fuckall every day. Which is depressing.

BUT!

If i figure out a way to utilize this time,, maybe not so depressing! if i come out of this semester a better person, i guess its worth it. and hell, maybe if i improve myself enough i'll be able to make friends. idk. (the #1 reason i cant make friends is cuz i never fucking talk to people because i am so scared of other people. realistically there is no hope. but nonetheless we perservere)

So, I'm gonna try to make a plan of how to improve myself. I'm gonna start with listing ppl i think are cool/traits i want to have and hopefully that will idk guide me in what to do.

people i think are cool

• isa briones (lol)
• r****
• h***
• research mentor from the summer
• leah from the wilds
• my cousin e
• alice walker
• vic michaelis
• ao3 user overnights

okay great. i'll prob add more to this list idk. now gonna do reasonings for people/traits i want.

• idk she's just cool. she's funny, she's trendy, she's pretty. i like the way she dresses, or ig just her Look. idk.
• she's seems generally secure in who she is if that makes sense. she's spiritual which i think is cool cuz its smth i think abt all the time. i also like the way she dresses mostly cuz its basically the same everyday which is cool.
• he has a strong online presence which is cool, also engages 100% w his interests it seems. like drawing and writing and analyzing and etc etc etc etc. which is cool. also never holds back from jumping in wholeheartedly if that makes sense? like i met him through dnd and he is the president of a club and has lots of friends and on a sports team and pretty central to it i think. while also being the biggest autistic nerd (how he describes himself often, i say this with adoration). he also just has lots of friends, online and offline.
• she was wonderfulllll i think she is so cool. she always seemed 100% with it? i don't know how to describe it. but she was never faking her values i guess. like she wanted [research area] to be more accessible and she was incredibly knowledgeable on how to go about doing that and did so at every oppurtunity. and she wasn't perfect ofc (i assume) but there was never any halfway i guess, she wanted to be a supportive mentor so she did it 100%.
• i just think she's cool. this is mostly her depictions in fanfic tbh. she seems very smart and wellread. she's also mentally ill and supported by her friends and also just able to have friends even though she is mentally ill. which. UGH. i have extended thoughts about this but that is. too much for rn. fuck.
• uhh she has a job. that she likes and its a cool job. she has friends. she dresses nice. she has cool hobbies/interests. also "wellread". idk. also our family likes her lol, and she is able to talk abt her life w our family. it sucks how when ur queer even if ur family isnt homophobic your relationship still has to be different. like shes straight so she gets to tell our family abt things and i never have. which is partially self inflicted but idk. i say idk so much.
• ahhhhh she's just a singer i love. i obviously know nothing about her. but i think her persona is pretty cool. weirdgirl or whatever. plus being able to make cathartic and authentic art and having people like it.
• they r just so funny. but yeah i think they r funny, they r very charismatic. people like them. they seem to develop raport w ppl easily, obviously this is all "on screen" stuff so its not accurate, but they still are able to have banter with people which i never have. also they r "allowed" to be nonbinary, if that makes sense. everyone genders them correctly theres not even a question about it. idk.
• they just write really good fics idk. lol. also long fics.

okay wonderful. so i think the main motifs above were kinda 1) dresses nice/well/trendy 2) reads books? writes? 3) charismatic 4) genuine and no holding back. there were also themes of just wanting to have friends/have friends you are allowed to express emotion in front of. which that's more of a loneliness thing than a trait thing.

now for how to achieve those. uhhh. for 1, i am not going to buy new clothes. i only thrift anyway and i have a wardrobe right now that i am pretty happy with. i think i just need to do more with what i have, i also have a bunch of accessories at home that i for some reason didnt bring to school w me so getting those i guess. for 2, i mean i guess i just gotta read books lol. i read a TON of fanfiction so ig just swapping that out with books, at least partially. for 3, ughhh i don't know. i have no idea. neverending issue for me. my usual attempt is just to compliment people super super often. which people say should work but it doesnt! i will look it up. okay so we've got eye contact, smile, open body language, share your interests, active listening, vulnerability [fuck OFF wikihow im not doing that], exercise, practice gratitude, dress nice, ask open ended questions, meditate, validate people's feelings, include everyone in the room, sincere compliments. okay that's a lengthy list i think i'll leave it there. i can def do the body language related things. i already try to do compliments. sharing my interests is so scary, i don't know that i will do that one unfortunately. the like "extracurricular" ones like meditate and exercise i have already thought abt doing. including everyone in the room is a good thing. i guess that's a good list to remember for now. for 4, ughhhhhhh that is so hard. its so open ended. i should probably pick some values lol. i've never really had strong values, like i mean i believe in the right things. but whenever i care about something deeply the uber-engrained thoughtpaths of "kill yourself" take over (im not joking it happens for everything and like mostly for issues/things i care about).

alright list for moving forward:

• exercise/meditate/practice gratitude
• read books! and write maybe
• pick out values. and then think about them alllllllll the time
• get reallyyyy conscious of body language. perform it well.
• include everyone in conversation (i do generally already try to do this btw, just do it more ig. im not often in conversations anyway so)
• compliment compliment compliment
• should probably start reaching out to people more. to whom? no fucking clue. but i should.

alright wonderful. ig i figured that out? idk. im also going to therapy this week so hopefully maybe that will help. yay.

Hello! Okay, so I kept rambling about names on my tumblr, which is totally fine and how i want my tumblr to be. butttttt i wanted to condense it a little and also i was maxxing out the tag limit. so here :3

here is my current list of "fav" names, tbh im not super happy w it cuz i love so many others and a lot of these were added like 4 yrs ago lol.

i don't have anything to say about the normal western names. like yeah, everyone loves evelyn. it has many unique nickname options, and imo potential for some completely new nicknames (which is important if ur looking to name ur kid). right now, i'd like to talk about the more eastern european names. mostly slavic, the only eastern european non slavic name up there rn is boglarka i think, which is hungarian. also some jewish names but idk where they would fit into that binary (eastern european vs non eastern european, thoguhts for another day!). i think i generally used the russian spellings above, but i don't really have a preference for spelling, u just usually see russian spellings and also i don't have like, the polish keyboard. idk.

anyway! i would say my top name of all time is oksana, as of right now. it has been a fav of mine for a while to be honest. i just love the way it feels to say. u should try it!!!! in general, i am a big fan of the letter k. it doesn't really change sound much in english (are there actually any alternatives to the way it sounds in, say, kick? not that i can think of, even when combined w n like in plank it is the same sound), which is a virute i think! i am not a fan of the letter c, too fluid and not at all dependable. i feel that c and k are polar opposites in that regard, despite often making the same sound. oksana obviously has a very prominent k sound, which is a large part of why i like it. the letter k doesn't really make many appearances in my list, but idk it is a fav of mine.

now obviously oksana has letters other than k, which contribute to my love as well. i think the other consonants are much softer than the k (or whatever the trait is in the booba vs kiki thing is, ykwim), smoother maybe, which almost soothes your mouth after the k? that is a weird way to describe it, but like i think the letter n has a very similar feel/vibe as butter, or another fat, but specifically butter due to the creaminess (also similar to "thock" in the keyboard world, but idk much abt keyboards and that is probably a more niche reference).